Thanks for the Near-Heart Attack, CNN

CNN -- A voluntary recall of breaded chicken wings will take a bite out of the nation's supply during the flurry of college football bowl games.

Pilgrim's Pride on Thursday recalled about 180,000 pounds of Pierce Hot & Spicy Breaded Chicken Wings and Sweet Georgia Brand Hot & Spicy Breaded Chicken Wings because they contain egg, an undeclared allergen, officials said.

So CNN decides to scare me shitless with the teaser headline "90 Tons of Chicken Wings Recalled"--Between bowl games, the Eagles tailgate, and every fuggin day of my life I'm trying to figure out how many of these 90 tons were consumed by me alone as I'm waiting for the article to load and guessing how fast I can make it to the hospital before my stomach and colon simultaneously collapse into each other. Let's just say that after reading the article, I can't believe CNN has successfully mind-fugged Yours Truly once again.

First of all, the only chicken wing--let alone breaded chicken wing--that deserves any kind of mainstream internet action comes from a lil' mom & pop shop called Hooters...maybe you've heard of it? But Pilgrim's Pride?!?! a) I don't know who eats this shit anyway, but b) I don't give two fuggs if the Pilgrim sprinkles crushed glass onto his wings; if it's in front of me, I'm eating it. I've done enough harm with the Suicide/Homicide/WhatTheFuggAreYouThinkingicide Wings-To-Go combos that a little salmonella won't make me any worse for the wear.

Which brings me to my next point: EGGS?! All of this recall shit is happening because they're afraid that some puss out in Bumblefuck who only eats Pilgrim's Pride breaded wings is gonna have an allergic reaction to EGG?? I'm sorry, but if you have an egg allergy then you shouldn't be eating wings in the first place because you are not a man. Ever seen Rocky?? Chur boi is just downing raw eggs like it'll make his dick grow an extra foot or something. If it's e coli or rat turds, that's fine, but don't ever waste my time again with fuggin eggs...what a joke.

So, I guess we can all rest easy for another night and know that CNN will continue to churn out non-stories while trying to scare the living shit out of you and me. A word of advice, though, to Joey Chestnut and El Wingador--Don't refund those tickets just yet because as far as I can see, Wing Bowl 2K11 is still on. And no egg bitches allowed.

Pick of the Week

I know the week's almost over and this game is just getting started, but the Temple-Nova game is just too delicious not to feature this week. We've got Jay's Cats looking to exact some revenge on the Owls who upset them last year...and trying to do so without Scottie Reynolds' hot hand mind you. There's just something about JW that has me feeling like he won't allow himself or his team to get embarrassed 2 years in a row in front of the big lights of ESPN's telecast. My guess is he unveils a new piece of gold jewelry to the world tonight (Pocketwatch is running 5:1; Anklet, 30:1) and ups the stakes to platinum if Nova's winning by 20 at the half. This is also my personal Kostini Kash pick of the night (more to come on that later) and I do not expect to be disappointed.

UPDATE-- The line was Nova (-6) and they only won by 4. Typical Jay...making you watch his ice-melting smile up until the very last shot is taken. I don't care, a win is a win and I'll factor in the lines going forward. Plus, the Kostini Kash line was Pick 'Em so 1-0 for Terrance.

Wednesday-Morning (Afternoon) QB Reaction

"Well, it was a team effort, and I guess it took every player workin' together to lose this one."

My heart hurts. After the emotionally draining 4-hour spectacle that was witnessed last night, my body needs ample time to process & move on from this deflating loss...and apparently 12 hours of sleep isn't enough. Nope, it's looking like 10 or 11 days will have to do since the Eagles now have the "luxury" of resting their most critical (or critically injured) starters for the playoffs--the same critical starters who got 2 extra days of rest by having a Sunday game moved to Tuesday, which is now a piece of trivia 64 years in the making that no Birds fan wants any part of remembering today.

Look--as much as I'd like to, I'm not going to continue to pile on the disgust & anger that everyone else is feeling in Philly right now: NO ONE could've predicted at the start of the season that we'd have a Pro Bowl quarterback behind center or that we'd be able to smugly send the team that embarrassed us in our final two games last season into their own miserable offseason this year. Just let this serve as a reminder to all players, coaches, and fans that this is why the games are played: there is no such thing as a guaranteed win. I just hope that there is something else to be learned from this atrocity of a game other than that, because I'll be scratching my head for the next week.

We Are NOT Living Up To Ed Rendell's Vision of America

ESPN -- The city of Philadelphia is set to host the NFL's first Tuesday night game in 64 years, and Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell (D) couldn't be more upset about it..."We've become a nation of wusses. The Chinese are kicking our butt in everything," Rendell added. "If this was in China do you think the Chinese would have called off the game? People would have been marching down to the stadium, they would have walked and they would have been doing calculus on the way down."

Leave it to Rendell to encapsulate what the majority of Americans not named Peter King are feeling about postponing Sunday night's game...while peppering in a lil' racism for good measure. Look, I'm totally with Rendell on this one--me and the boys were ready to roll from Wilmo at 1 no matter what and were prepared to sleep at the SEPTA station if we had to. I don't care if it was snowing, hailing, or acid raining (okay, that's probably more up China's alley). But calculus, Ed?? REALLY?!? You of all people should know that if anyone were to get within a 2 mile radius of the Linc with a calc book, they would be beaten to death with a signed Mike Schmidt bat or at least some fresh snowballs packed with Energizers. The fact is, you already made a valid point and the people you alienated with the Chinese/calculus comment far outweigh the hundred or so Tea Partiers that you picked up. Don't worry though, I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for number-crunchers tomorrow night.

Soo, This Kid's the Man, Right?

I'll admit it's a slow work day today. The Eagles game got pushed back to Tuesday night, a fantasy championship is now all but guaranteed for my Triple Rainbows, and the 7 or 8 people who were thinking of coming to work today decided to bag it because their cars can't handle 2 inches of snow. It's gotten so bad that I had to take a break from my Netflix Watch Instantly queue; my remaining options are Radio & Tom and Jerry Meet Sherlock Holmes (which is sounding increasingly awesome the more I consider it). Thank God my attention was diverted to our ninja friend above. It's a little long, but worth your time for at least 3 reasons:

• When's the last time you saw a technically trained ninja in a full-on sweatsuit?! This guy clearly means business and takes shit from no one. Even Steven Seagal grabbed his ankles for Hollywood when he was forced to wear 'normal-person' clothes for Under Siege 2 and every other shitty movie and tv show he's made since.
• @1:48--This was originally going to be Scorpion's finishing move in Mortal Kombat, but the designers decided against it because they knew it would be too hard to execute in real life...until now
• @5:05--Never has anyone in the history of the martial arts attempted a "Dragon Twister" combo right into a "Bull Charge". In fact, I'm getting nervous just writing about it for fear of retaliation.

Unbelievably, our star asks for "really good criticism" at the end of this tutorial. Let me be the first to say that this was a flawless performance and the only thing that would turn this Fail into a Success would be if the protective sleeve on his sword came off and somehow managed to chop off his ponytail...but now we're just splitting hairs

This Can't Be Happening...

CSNPhilly -- The NFL is keeping an eye on the weather forecast, and a league official did not rule out the possibility that the Eagles-Vikings game would be moved if conditions become dangerous Sunday night.

Brett Favre, you selfish son of a bitch. If you think that #4 DIDN'T wake up this morning and begin an all-out phone campaign trying to convince League officials to push the game back one day so he can upstage his replacement one last time, while trying to convince his coach that his playing status has improved from borderline-dead to '97 Super Bowl Champ-worthy, then someone must've hit the egg nog a little too hard last night. Sorry, Mayor Nutter, but I have no problem walking 30 miles to get to the game tonight...it's just too GD important to the Birds & to ME.

Side note: Does anyone else think it's wrong that an NFL football coach's first name is Leslie?? I'm not trying to be sexist, and I will forver hold a place in my heart for the only male Leslie (Nielson, R.I.P.) in my eyes, but c'mon Vikings...I mean, your uniforms are already purple! Are you TRYING to become the next WNFL expansion team, because you've put together one hell of an audition tape these past few weeks.

Tonight's Forecast: Snowy with a Chance of CRUSHING

The day has finally come. After taking a brief sabbatical from seeing the Birds in the flesh, I'm ready to go and the night could not be any more epic. Early reports are saying that snow will just be pouring out the sky's asshole and 20 mph winds will make it all too certain that the Eagles will be taking full advantage of their run game with both Vick and LeSean "Let's Hear It For" McCoy--Glenn 'Hurricane' Schwartz is already predicting a minimum of 5 rushing TDs between the two of them. Sorry Joe Webb, but one joke of a game on Golden Gopher turf has in no way prepared you for the destruction that awaits you...you think that was SNOW you saw on Monday Night?!? All I have to say is this game should be over by halftime with our playoff tickets punched. And thank God that map above isn't showing the Lake Effect...you do NOT fugg with the Lake Effect.

Merry Christmas, You Fuggs

Can't believe it's Christmas again already. Technically it starts whenever I decide to pull my ass out of bed tomorrow morning but I just spent an hour wrapping a total of 5 presents that were put off until last minute as usual and I've already spent my monthly 1-tear quota on George Bailey--I swear that movie gets me EVERY fuggin year...it's awful---so it's safe to say Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays if you're a lil' puss).

My first gift to myself this year? Stuffing my face with the Italian Market's finest deconstructed cannoli tray, courtesy of Isgro's:

That's right. You're looking at the Guido version of chips & salsa, except our salsas come in vanilla/chocolate/traditional (ricotta-chocolate chip) form and don't leave you running to destroy someone's bathroom afterward. Feel free to wipe the drool off your keyboard (or whatever else you need to wipe off), have yourselves a Merry Little Christmas, and be thankful for the gift that the Birds will be wrapping up this Sundee: NFC East Champions. Say PEACE!....on earth

What IS IT with this commercial??

I may be in the minority with this one, but I appreciate a good commercial every now and then. I'll take it one step further and say that while some people can pull movie & tv quotes out of thin air, I completely respect anyone that can go toe-to-toe with me on commercials...I guess we're just a dying breed.

Anyway, I first came across this clip last weekend while I was watching U of D beat up on Georgia Southern in the Division 1-AA semifinals on ESPNU (or as I call it, ESPN "DA" U). Saw it once, didn't think anything of it. But DA U has an uncanny ability to run the same commercial 30 times throughout the span of one college football game...can't blame them too much since advertising gets harder to find once you reach your 7th ESPN spinoff, but they even pulled the old double-run about 3 or 4 times--where they LEAD the commercial break with the clip, squeeze in one or two non-factor commercials (like a Kirk Herbstreit Youth Football Camp which would basically be a front for a Kirk Herbstreit Youth How to Have an Affair and Not Get Caught Camp), then end with the SAME commercial--brilliant.

Needless to say, by the end of the game I couldn't get enough of this laughing asshole, and was even rooting harder for it to come on during the Sunday Night Football game than I was for Wes Welker NOT to get 15 points so I could cruise into my Fantasy Championships (by the way thanks for the help, Wesley). When this happens, you know you've got something special. My question is: what is it about this commercial or laughing moron that is so irresistable? I mean, when I pull this thing up on YouTube, I'm not finished with it until I've heard his laugh at least 15 times. It's quite the riddle, but I intend to crack it before the New Year.

You're Welcome, Sixer Fans

It's no secret that the next best thing about going to Philly sports games (besides seeing our New York opponents get their shit pushed in) are the fan creations that come in the form of awesome t-shirts. Any casual Phillies Phan will know that the former Philly Sports T-Shirt market was caught with its pants around its ankles when this gem came out:

I mean, this shit is everywhere now...hoodies, lax pinnies, top hats, trench coats, you name it. I'm even working on the mock turtleneck edition. Fans identify most with its simplicity: just lifting 3 fuggin letters from the Phils' uniform that sends the perfect message...We're ILL. Thats it. No bells. No whistles.

You can imagine my surprise when, more recently, this guy decides to throw his hat in the ring:

I get it. At first I was all about it. Simple, awesome, lifting 3 fuggin letters from the Flyers' uniform to send the perfect mes....whoa whoa WHOA! When have you EVER seen a Flyers jersey with this girly cursive shit?? NEVER. You think Hartnell would ever allow that?! Highly doubtful. The more I think about it, I hate everything about this shirt...completely stole the "ill" concept AND design, plus no self-respecting Flyers fan could ever identify with this shirt because it has nothing to do with the team besides the stupid shirt colors. To be fair, someone else got it right by lifting a piece from an ACTUAL Flyers logo and is now getting $20 a pop from it on E-Bay.

So--2 major sports down, 2 to go. To even make an attempt at an Eagles shirt is ludicrous, since that would be like attempting to make the Holy Fuggin Grail of shirts. Setting my sights a little lower, I came up with this lil' pup for the bottom-rung, yet clawing-their-way-to-the-top 76ers:

 

Before you judge, let me make a case for this soon to be all time best-seller. 1) You can't spell anything worthwhile from '76ers', so there's little use in trying. Sure, you could do '6er' but that kind of defeats the exclusivity of the shirt to begin with since any random asshole will know what you're talkin' bite. 2) This clearly fits the criteria of lifting something from the throwback Sixer's logo that true fans can identify, while other clowns will be left to wonder what the hell it means. 3) Thought about just lifting the basketball and tail from the new Sixer's logo but then it looks like you're wearing a shirt with Dr. J's sperm on it, and there are already plenty of women out there to whom I'll leave that honor. 4) It's pretty tough to be in love with the Sixers--they've always been my #4 out of Philly's 4 Teams--but this would absolutely be my first purchase if I ever needed to get team gear. Simple, clean design='Nuff Said.

It's a work in progress...and more color needs to be added (naturally, some sort of Red/White/Blue patriotic theme), but I think it's a start. And with the way the Eagles, Flyers, and Phils are getting buzz right now, it's only fair to show some love for the Sixers. It's too bad I didn't think of this well before Xmas or I'd be blowing my moneys in AC right meow.

Rex's Feet in Hot...Butter?

The fact that this first post has nothing to do with Philly sports just goes to show you that this whole Rex Ryan Foot-gate scandal is too good of an opportunity to pass up. Most people don't give a fugg either way, but for those who are trying to make an issue out of it--like the initial Vick-haters who wanted to see him fail and have to pretend to still hate him at the risk of looking stupid now--here are some initial thoughts:

This could be one of the greatest things to happen to Rex Ryan ever since his weight loss surgery allowed him to see his dong for the first time since "Porky's" came out. Sure it's a little embarrassing, but it's a win-win no matter how you slice it. a) He's completely exonerated without even saying anything since everything was done within the confines of his marriage & most Americans already have some taboo shit that they love to watch but never want to hear Chris Collinsworth breaking down on SNF--so, he's a pillar of fidelity and an all-American hero at best. b) You mean to tell me this whole situation hasn't got him & his wife dripping to meet new foot freaks?? This takes free erotic advertising to a whole new level--Forget the poor-man's FootSpace/FuggBook profile that he & his wife created...all of the grade-A fetishists will be coming out of the woodwork now that they know they have a celebrity to get weird with during the offseason (or Playoffs in the Jets' case). The way I see it, this whole "personal issue" just added about 43 new couples to the Ryan's Christmas Card list if you catch my drift.

Oh, and I was being sarcastic about Rex seeing his dong...that'll never happen