Thanks for the Near-Heart Attack, CNN

CNN -- A voluntary recall of breaded chicken wings will take a bite out of the nation's supply during the flurry of college football bowl games.

Pilgrim's Pride on Thursday recalled about 180,000 pounds of Pierce Hot & Spicy Breaded Chicken Wings and Sweet Georgia Brand Hot & Spicy Breaded Chicken Wings because they contain egg, an undeclared allergen, officials said.

So CNN decides to scare me shitless with the teaser headline "90 Tons of Chicken Wings Recalled"--Between bowl games, the Eagles tailgate, and every fuggin day of my life I'm trying to figure out how many of these 90 tons were consumed by me alone as I'm waiting for the article to load and guessing how fast I can make it to the hospital before my stomach and colon simultaneously collapse into each other. Let's just say that after reading the article, I can't believe CNN has successfully mind-fugged Yours Truly once again.

First of all, the only chicken wing--let alone breaded chicken wing--that deserves any kind of mainstream internet action comes from a lil' mom & pop shop called Hooters...maybe you've heard of it? But Pilgrim's Pride?!?! a) I don't know who eats this shit anyway, but b) I don't give two fuggs if the Pilgrim sprinkles crushed glass onto his wings; if it's in front of me, I'm eating it. I've done enough harm with the Suicide/Homicide/WhatTheFuggAreYouThinkingicide Wings-To-Go combos that a little salmonella won't make me any worse for the wear.

Which brings me to my next point: EGGS?! All of this recall shit is happening because they're afraid that some puss out in Bumblefuck who only eats Pilgrim's Pride breaded wings is gonna have an allergic reaction to EGG?? I'm sorry, but if you have an egg allergy then you shouldn't be eating wings in the first place because you are not a man. Ever seen Rocky?? Chur boi is just downing raw eggs like it'll make his dick grow an extra foot or something. If it's e coli or rat turds, that's fine, but don't ever waste my time again with fuggin eggs...what a joke.

So, I guess we can all rest easy for another night and know that CNN will continue to churn out non-stories while trying to scare the living shit out of you and me. A word of advice, though, to Joey Chestnut and El Wingador--Don't refund those tickets just yet because as far as I can see, Wing Bowl 2K11 is still on. And no egg bitches allowed.