Friday Night Winner: Danny Briere

Must be a great feeling to piss on the faces of the NHL's operations committee. You gotta love the ear-to-ear, shit-eating smirk on Briere's face once he gets picked. Or how bout the look on Johnny Toews' face for not getting picked?! Dude looks like he can't decide whether to kill himself now or once he gets back to the hotel. Like seriously, grab a box of Kleenex you fucking baby. It does kinda suck that Giroux got picked 13 bros later and isn't on the same team as Danny-boy, but that's a small price to pay for this dose of karma.

How The Hell Is THIS Guy Elmo?!

What the fuck did I just watch? The fact that THAT guy has been doing the Elmo voice for more than 25 years is either the biggest achievement or the biggest mistake of his life. Sorry bro, but there are thousands of people that can shove their hands up a puppet's ass while talking all goofy and shit. Just think if that guy had done something badass for 25 years, like boxing. I guarantee he already would've won the World Heavyweight Championship twice over like Big George Foreman. Shit, this guy IS George Foreman! What a waste.

LaSalle Loses Future Porn Star

Daily News -- Hours after 6-8 forward Christian Standhardinger was announced Tuesday as transferring from Nebraska to LaSalle, he wasn't.

LaSalle cited "a personal situation that demands his full attention," in a statement from coach John Giannini.

That situation likely is that the 21-year-old Standhardinger was caught by an officer engaged in a sex act with a 19-year-old woman a few hours before dawn Sunday in a Lincoln, Neb., park, according to a police spokeswoman.

You gotta hand it to La Salle. In a year where they beat Penn and barely lose to Nova, they decide to pin their mid-season hopes on a Dirk Diggler wannabe. No surprise that it blows up in their face like Standhardinger was about to blast that 19 year old. He's the real winner in this story. If you think he's not on the phone negotiating a 3-film contract with Vivid as we speak, you're fucking delusional. Drop the "inger" from his last name, buy the rights to his story (at least the bball & banging in the park shit), and you've already got at least two scripts written for the ultimate hoops porno trilogy starring Christian StandsHard. I'd pay good money to watch that shit. Just sayin'.

Sporcle Quiz of the Week

It's been crazy busy the past couple days. A year's worth of life seems to be hitting me in one fuggin week and I'm just trying to keep up with the posts. Either way time is of the essence, so let's keep the fun going with the Sporcle Quiz of the Week: Safe Cracker 3! Quick description--You get 4 minutes to "crack the safe" by listing out 4 items in alphabetical order for each category. For example, they may ask "List the 4 Indiana Jones Movie Titles", to which you'd type "Last Crusade, Raiders, Temple, Who the fuck cares about the Shia Labeouf one?!"...okay, you still get my point. Once you get the 4th one right, they give you a code to enter so you can move to the next category. Sound easy enough? Well just you wait...

Worst Miss: This isn't so much of a miss as it's just an absolute abortion. Without ruining the quiz, let's just say I was cruising along and made it to number 42. I thought I knew what it was. Was pretty fucking sure I knew what it was. I must've typed it in 10 times because I figured I was psyching myself out with mental Parkinsons mistypes or some shit. Nope...had to wait until the fucking timer ran out to see what I missed. Let's just say I will never be doing a Safe Cracker quiz again. What a fucking joke.

Biggest Surprise: Fuck this, I'm going to the Final Tally.

Final Tally: 41 out of 49. This was supposed to be fun for me and now I'm just about as pissed off as Bart Scott was for winning a goddamn football game. 3-week average jumps up to .828, but I'm still thinking of leaning on Greg Anderson to whip me up a Week 4 Berry-BALCO Booster Shake. See you in Pittsburgh? CAN'T WAIT!

Sorry, Pats

Well, it's official--after this weekend, I now have no team that I legitimately want to root for in the playoffs.

Don't get me wrong, I was not cheering for the Pats to win but part of me wanted to see Danny Woodhead take one last dump on the entire Jets organization. The Bears can go fuck themselves and I could give two shits about the Steelers or Jets. I guess that leaves the Pack. But last week's loss still stings a little and I've never agreed with the school of thought that you cheer for the team that sent you home since them winning it all vindicates your team for losing. Fuck that noise.

Nope, starting today I'm cheering for one player and one player only: Frank Zombo. The dude clearly has the sickest name out of anyone still in contention and it gives me an extra incentive to booze it up next weekend because we all know that I don't blackout, I Zombie. And my second Rule of Zombie is "Zombies always win", so I know I'm picking a winner here. However, my first rule is "Never trust a Zombie" so if Zombo misses his 6th straight game and/or the Packers shit the bed, don't say I didn't warn you.

I Need It To Be March 11th Right MEOW

During halftime of Pats-Jets Round 3, I stumbled across the trailer for Battle: Los Angeles. Do yourself a favor and check it out because this shit looks fucking unreal. I mean, I was already pumped for Cowboys & Aliens, but this just got me so jacked up that 6 to midnight doesn't come close to describing how I feel right now. Aaron Eckhart trying to save America. Ne-Yo trying to make army glasses look cool. Michelle Rodriguez trying not to be a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that). I don't know how the fugg they expect me to wait two months for this, but you can bet your balls I'll be front and center with my Reese's Pieces on opening night...if the world doesn't end by then.

I Know It Was You, Taylor. You Broke My Heart

Washington City Paper -- When Taylor Gourmet opened the first of its three Washington-area stores in November 2008, the advertising pitch was simple: The deli would sell Philadelphia-style sandwiches, named after Philadelphia streets, sandwiched between Philadelphia bread...

During a follow-up interview, (Owner Casey) Patten’s story changed significantly. I had pressed him for a ride on the bread-delivery van, to no avail. After several requests, Patten made a surprising admission: Taylor had stopped using Sarcone’s a few weeks earlier. He said capacity concerns forced him to switch to a Washington-area bakery as his business expanded. He declined to name his new supplier.

Typical. Chalk up yet another beloved DC institution that decides to take a shit on my heart. Let me first give you full disclosure: I fucking worship Taylor G...always have, always thought I would. Their Kelly Drive sandy is my go-to every time, no questions asked. In fact, I saw a little of myself in their story ever since I found out the owner and I share a lot in common. Both grew up 30 minutes from downtown Philly, both went to school in Delaware, both packed up and made the move down to the District.

But where he and I differ (besides the fact that he's a massive douche with a hipster mustache) is that I always considered this town to be my home away from home. I'm just counting down the days until I pimp myself back out to Philly for good. But this asshole has the fucking nerve to think he can pull a fast one on Uncle Terry?! Yeah fuggin right, bro.

You might think he did since they dropped the Sarcone's rolls back in September and it's now January, but the joke's on them...I haven't grubbed there since summer. They've already lost about 70% of their business over the past 5 months. Well good fucking luck trying to keep the rest of it now that this golden nugget has fallen from the gods.

Yeah, they'll still get the occasional dumbass tourist or local who thinks they're being trendy by eating an "authentic" Italian Market hoagie 2 hours removed from the source. But one thing I know is if you fuck over Philly, Philly's gonna do everything in its power to return the favor ten times as hard. So FUCK YOU Taylor G and your shitty wannabe sandwiches. I'm a born-again Subway man from here on out. At least they have the decency to tell me to my face that they're serving me shit on a Parmesan-Oregano footlong.

Ladies & Gentlemen, Your 2011 Flyers All-Stars!!...Wait, What?

Philadelphia Inquirer -- In a stunning development, center Claude Giroux was the only Flyer selected to the NHL all-star team. Giroux has 16 goals for the Eastern Conference-leading Flyers. Danny Briere, who is among the NHL leaders with 21 goals, was somehow bypassed by the league's operations committee.

This a fucking joke, right? Like, I feel like somewhere in another part of the world Leo DiCaprio has me strapped to a chair and is just Inceptioning the shit of me. Nevermind that in addition to all Giroux's done we've got Top-25 players in Points (Richards), Goals (Briere, Carter), and even Blocked Shots (Timonen....okay, I'm reaching here), but the Flyers have had the best fucking record in the Eastern Conference for all but 2 hours this season. Don't give me that bullshit that at least our players get 4 extra days of rest to get ready for the second half of the season; we've been ready for the fuggin Cup since the puck dropped on Day 1. I hope all those assholes who've been jerking it to 24/7 this year are happy to see Mike Green skate around like a douche for a few shifts, because this'll be the last time all season that any Capital plays in a meaningful game on national TV. Unreal.

Sporcle Quiz of the Week

Just a brutal sports weekend. For starters, my Pick-of-the-Week Blue Hens blow a 19-0 lead and any chance of me creating "Ham'N'Chee"-shirts, which were guaranteed moneymakers. To cap it off, the Birds junk-tease me for 59 minutes and 16 seconds, only to lose a Wildcard game that was actually winnable even after the miscues (I can think of 2 big ones right meow).

But enough complaining. The joy of being a dejected sports fan is that "there's always next year", and more recently in Philly's case, "there's always the Phils". Don't get me wrong, I love the Flyers and they'll be right in the thick of it once the NHL postseason rolls around sometime in 2017. But I've had Feb. 26th & 27th circled on the old calendar for some time now, when Yours Truly will be heading down to sunny Florida to see the Phightins spank the Yankees two times in a row. There's just something about baseball in winter that makes me forget all about the accumulated pain I've endured for the past 17 weeks of football (not to say there weren't plenty of highlights).

To make this past weekend disappear from our collective short-term memory a little faster, I thought I'd turn to an old reliable friend: booze movies. Being able to sit in peace and not have to yell at the TV for no less than 2 hours has a calming, if not magical effect over me. Tonight is the BCS National Championship, so I thought I'd kick-start my mental diversion with this week's Sporcle Quiz of the Week: Can you name the movies (based on true stories) by the inaccuracies in their plot and/or characters? Let me just say that this one is right in my wheelhouse and should serve its purpose just fine.

Worst Miss: A 2008 Vegas movie about kids playing blackjack?! I could see this movie's trailer, cast, and fuggin prop boy in the back of my mind, yet could not for the life of me remember the name. To make matters worse, I remembered the name of the BOOK that the whole movie was based on (Breaking Vegas), yet no dice. Unacceptable.

Biggest Surprise: 25% (5 of 20) of the movies mentioned are sports-related, and I was able to nail all of them except the atrocity decribed above. Normally I would never consider a Blackjack movie a "sports movie" but when the WSOP is televised on ESPN, it gets pretty hard to draw the line.

Final Tally: 15 out of 20 (75%). For those keeping track, the old average has dipped to .818 on the season, but still going strong. The pain of the weekend is still fresh, but less acute.

The Cap & Vice POTUS...No Big Deal

Pop Quiz: Which of these two is responsible for THE birth of the mid-80's and which one wishes he had a son as dope'n'fresh as me? I'll wait....

And is that fuggin Putin in the background or what?! Getting a little too close to the man who's second in line to the throne. Just sayin'

Pick of the Week: 1-AA Championship

There's really no suprise with this one. I've been waiting for the Blue Hens to get back to the 'Ship ever since they blew the big one for us back in '07, and this has been my sweetheart pick all week. The thing is, they still haven't determined the line for the game which is ridiculous. What the fuck are they waiting for?? To quote the batshit crazy poet Keith Brooking: "THE STAGE IS SET!! THE LIGHTS ARE ON!!"

Seriously though, this game is already in the bag so it doesn't matter if the spread is UD -3 or -30. Now I know you must think I'm speaking too soon, but check out this little nugget:

DelawareOnline -- For decades, Delaware football staffers have purchased sandwiches from Malin's Deli, down South College Avenue from the athletic complex. Getting lunch during a (Pat) Devlin visit, (K.C.) Keeler placed an order for himself that included a host of special requests involving various sandwich toppings.

"I said, 'Pat what are you ordering?' He said, 'Ham and cheese,'" Keeler said. "I said, 'OK, you're low maintenance.' He said, 'I'm low maintenance,' and he is. That's who he is."

"Ham and cheese," Devlin said. "That's me."

Thank.Fuggin.G. If anyone can get the Hens their second championship in 8 years, my money's riding on Pat "Ham 'N' Chee" Devlin. I'm not saying Joey ButtaFlacco was high maintenance or anything, but the dude fuggin dressed up like The Situation for Halloween, soooo....yeah. You bet your balls that when Delaware wins the big game--and they will--P.Devvy will not only be a household name throughout America, but the Phightin' Phire "Ham 'N' Chee-shirts" (patent pending) will be the all time best seller on EBay. I'm taking pre-orders. Right meow.

UPDATE: They're taking 9.5 away from the Hens tonight. Am I gonna change my tune? Fugg No. Did you even read what I wrote above? DID YOU?!

Is This Guy Even Worth My Time?

So I'm already getting some Phightin' Phire pheedback from readers, which makes me one of the happiest pupps in the litter. Keep it coming. This clip was sent in response to the Columbus bum with the radio voice that everyone's creaming over today:

I'm kinda torn right now. I mean, I'm watching this guy and thinking "this asshole's trying waaay too hard to get his point across", especially with the bullshit captions. Let's forget the fact that it probably took him a solid 4 hours to phonetically spell out every fucking thing he says; he's clearly mispronouncing words just to be a dick. BaulTEEmore? yes. BAWLDYmore? sorry fella, but I dunno what type of shitheads you roll with.

Okay okay, maybe I'm splitting hairs here. Kid fuggin nails it with "Lantic City's too touristy anymore" (@0:45). I swear I heard that at least twice at the Trop the last time I was there (with some tourists). But still, I can't help but feel wronged after I watch this and I'm not sure why. Am I wrong here?? Leave some love in the comments below.

Worst News of 2011?

LA Times -- Actor Bill Erwin passed away from age-related causes last Wednesday at his home in Studio City, California. He was 96.

First meaningful death of 2011 (to me, at least) and it happened in 2010?! I guess when you're that old your family doesn't give a shit about waiting 7 days to inform your adoring fanbase. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

SIDE NOTE (and maybe the real story to come of this): I do a search of "Irwin" on Google to get this news story and apparently John Mellencamp split from his supermodel wife Elaine "Irwin" Mellencamp last week?! For Meg Ryan?! I dunno how I missed this shit, but it seems to me that Cougar only stayed in the marriage to cozy up with Elaine's far more famous 8th cousin. Also, he may have to update some of his songs to get in the Now...I'm thinking something like: "A little ditty, about Jack and that annoying bitch from all those romantic comediiiiiiiiies"

Sporcle Quiz Of The Week

Most of us reported back to work today which means that we can officially kiss 2010 goodbye. For those of you who still wax nostalgic for a condensed year's worth of vuvuzelas, national tragedies, and pre-legal Miley Cyrus (okay that last one, not so much), may I present the inaugural Sporcle Quiz of the Week: Can You Name the Events Which Happened in 2010?

Worst Miss: Being unable to accurately indentify Obamacare by its full name. Not particularly awful, except I read/hear about this at least 30 times a week.

Biggest Surprise: Nailing the Chilean miner question on the first guess...a completely uneducated & immature guess, no less. By the way, this will likely be the third to last time I ever write "nailing the Chilean miner" in a sentence.

Final Tally: 21 out of 24. Batting .875 which is a HELL of a start to the 2011 season; if I can keep this up, I expect to qualify for the Sporcle Invitational by May. As we say in the show, "That's fine".